Who Knew?

It has been said, “out of the mouths of babes.”  The last few weeks I have been given wisdom, advice and council from my babes – ages 23, 22, and 16 respectively.

After much urging and encouragement from them, I decided to return to college at the age of 48.  Upon making this life changing decision, I had absolutely no idea that there was a code, a specific set of rules and guidelines, that one must strictly adhere to in order to be considered a “cool college” mom.  Lest you lose sleep, please note that these are now laminated and pasted in the front of my school notebook as I have already broken rules #2 and #6 (kind of).

1)      DO NOT WEAR SWEATS

Apparently, nothing says, “I am a mom coming back to school” louder than a 40 plus year old woman wearing a pair of sweat pants.  Today’s generation has definitely not learned to appreciate comfort over fashion.

2)      NO ROLLING BACKPACKS

I was okay with that rule.  I did not understand, however, what a statement the wrong backpack can make. My husband graciously bestowed upon me a very efficient, hand-me-down business backpack.  After resuscitating my oldest child when he saw what I intended to haul my goods in, he immediately texted his younger brother and sister  a picture of me with said backpack for their moral support.  I was immediately given a three thumbs down and a “Heck No” (and yes, I am cleaning up the language) from each child.  I was almost tardy for day 2 of class due to the family conference call regarding mom’s backpack situation.

3)      NEVER SIT FRONT AND CENTER OF THE CLASSROOM

No real reason is given for this rule and therefore, I am left to conclude all on my own, that I should not look too eager to learn.

4)      DO NOT EVER SAY THE FOLLOWING:

“I don’t get it”, “Can you repeat that a little slower”, or “I don’t understand how to do my homework online”.  ANY technological questions and dilemmas can be solved privately in my own home with my personal technical support team.

5)      DO NOT WEAR HEELS…until you have a clear understanding of exactly how far you will be walking.  Well shoot!  I really wanted to try out my new pumps with my sweats!

6)      If you ever need to contact a classmate (ages 18 to 30) for ANY reason, for heaven’s sake TEXT…DO NOT CALL AND ACTUALLY HAVE A CONVERSATION!  Only if they call you, can you call them back.

7)      And finally, from my 23 year old son attending the same university, DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER FORGET TO WEAR YOUR WEDDING RING!  I am not sure if I should laugh or say, “Thank you!”

I am baffled, as I reminisce, as to how I ever survived my nerdy, shy, awkward, and Farah Fawcett hair days without their words of what “NOT TO DO!”

I do, however, feel completely blessed that it is still totally “cool” for my 23 year old son to walk me to class on the first day and for my 16 year old son to say, “Spencer, when you drop mom off, make sure she has a buddy.”

NEVER SAY NEVER...

In my 48 years I’ve used the word NEVER….A LOT!  But the older I get, I realize that word has the possibility to limit my options, to leave me stranded on a path, and to be the reason for some of my biggest regrets.  Against my better judgment, I am going to share of few of those things I swore I’d NEVER do.

NEVER was I going to cook a turkey…or dinner, for that matter.  Apparently, my husband thought the same.  With the purchase of each new house (three in our married life), he has made the comment that he would not install an oven if it were not for the resale value.   And while it is true that I have been known to order the Thanksgiving turkey and present it on a beautiful platter to deceive the holiday guests, I have also learned that Tom Turkey is not as intimidating as I once thought.

My goal was to NEVER get a speeding ticket.  Now, let’s be clear, it wasn’t because I didn’t speed,  I just  planned to NEVER get caught.  I was successful for THIRTY years.  My luck eventually ran out and I was the recipient of not one, but two tickets within a two month period.  Eventually the drinking (diet coke that is) interfered with ability to feel the presence of the radar gun.  I don’t know who was the most embarrassed – me, Tanner, or the police officer - as my zipper was undone and I was prepared to run into the closest restroom.  Russ’s response when I called crying that I had been issued my first ticket ever at age 46, “CONGRATULATIONS!”

So…speaking of diet coke, let’s just get this over with.  I swore I’d NEVER give up diet coke.  But I did…for a year!  I know some of you are in complete and utter shock.  It turns out, however, that I did quit but quickly realized after a year that I am NO quitter and that I could no longer live with the guilt of sending the Sonic stock plunging into a bottomless pit.   My family will also tell you that, for whatever reason, they seem to like me better on the wagon than off.  Tanner recalls it, and I quote, “The worst year of his life!”

This seems harsh, but I was NEVER going to have a second baby (sorry Lauren and Tanner ).  While this “NEVER Moment” lasted only during my time in labor with Spencer, I recall saying it my mind over and over.  I recall, vividly, lying on the sidewalk in front of the emergency room at St. Mark’s hospital.  Somehow, I had placed myself on the exact spot that set off the sensors to the doors and they continued to open and close repeatedly.  Russ begged me to just get up and make it to the maternity ward.  I thought he was CRAZY.  I was going to have that baby right there on the sidewalk.  I wasn’t really excited about getting the baby out at this point.  I thought maybe I could just leave it in!  I looked like a beached whale, outweighing Russ by at least 30 pounds of fat and 8 plus pounds of baby.  Yes, I was NEVER doing this again.   Hours later, I quickly changed my mind when that beautiful baby boy was placed in my arms.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER was I going to put on OR even worse, OWN a pair of skinny jeans.  Being the jean junkie that I am, I caved and tried some on.  Even if they are not the best fit, I decided I liked the name…skinny jeans.  It’s certainly better than the alternative.  What’s in a name?  EVERYTHING! Heaven help me!  I was NEVER going to turn into my mother. Seriously, what was wrong with me?  After all, who would want to be beautiful from the inside out, kinder than anyone on earth, and sweeter than candy?  I haven’t yet figured out how to be like her, what I have figured out is how much I want to be exactly like her.

The lights on the Christmas tree are the husband’s job…right?  I was NEVER going to put the lights on a tree.  One day I was visiting an elderly neighbor.  She asked me if I would help her put the lights on her tree.  That moment bonded us as friends for life.  I made her pinky swear and sign her name in blood that she would NEVER EVER reveal to Russ that I could actually put lights on a tree.  It had taken me a long time to convince my husband that the lights were his job…or that anything other than a pre-lit tree was simply unacceptable.

Even though I was filled with regret for not finishing college, I was NEVER going back.  What was the point?  As my beautiful daughter finished her college degree in December, I began to dream again of fulfilling that goal.  I am, once again, enrolled as a BYU student.  I guess I’ll dig out the backpack, notebook and pencils. Another bonus of going back to school is that I can legitimately buy new school clothes.  However, as times have changed, I think it best if I leave my “Cougar” t-shirt in the basement!

Some of you may need to sit down for this one.  I was NEVER going to have a Facebook page.  I thought it was….evil.  I laugh now because now I am a facebook addict.  Some days I think I need an intervention.  I have loved catching up with friends and family and hearing about what is going on in their lives.  I enjoy having something to say and having someone write back.   My family doesn’t always like the fact that their lives are an open “facebook”,  but I say let’s learn, live and laugh with each other. 

Finally, I was NEVER going to blog and yet, here I am.  After much coaxing (mostly from my children), I have relented.  I think they’d rather read my lectures than hear them.  I have decided to take this journey for myself and invite any of you to come along.  Life, age, and experience have taught me that I should NEVER say NEVER.  When we say NEVER,  we miss out on some of life’s greatest moments.  If you know me – really know me – you’ll understand that I do, indeed, live life out loud.  But ,for the record, I will NEVER EVER have twitter...just sayin'